Something is needed.

...and that something could be a car .
Having my own car would make things a lot easier for not just me, but everyone. Well everyone connected to me. I'd be able to be a better friend because I could just drop in or go over and hang out at someone's place and come and go as I please. Right, now I never go to anyone's hardly, because I don't want to ask someone for a ride. Or when I do finally get up the courage to ask someone, they can't. But I mean I guess it's not my fault. I mean, I know its not my fault. If they wanted to hang out with me they'd ask me over, or ask to come get me. Everyone should know by now that I don't have a car and don't live on campus. I guess that just tells me something right there... Yeah I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing and being pessimistic.
But I can't help it.
I really wanted to go to the Coffee Pot tonight to watch friends play a show, but look at me...I'm not there. I even changed and straightened my hair, but i had no one to bring me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I get so jealous of people I'm around because they've found a close friend to always be with or awesome roommates that they're super close with and do things together with.
I just miss my best friend and our relationship.
Especially once she got a car. She would just come over and "kidnap" me and bring me to her house, or we'd go do something together. I'm not saying I liked her for her car, that's not it. I'm just saying that because that's what i'm upset about right now.
Friends here that I don't have classes with or live close to anymore I hardly ever see except, maybe once a week at Refuge (which I didn't make it to this week =[ ) I feel bad asking rides from those people (which are the only people I'm close to that have cars and I feel comfortable with), because I do hardly ever see them and I don't want to be using them. I was already accused of this anyway, which i still feel terrible for.
There's this one friend that I'm not even close to who happens to live in the same apt complex. She volunteered to come pick me up from work at midnight and bring me home every Tuesday. I can't thank her enough. I gave her gas money and when she refused I didn't get out of the car without her taking it. It's the very least I can do.
Gah i wish i lived on campus. And I wish I didn't ever apply for this dang job at Jones thats super inconvenient for me.
Sorry, that I don't ever blog about happy things. I just, don't think about Blogging until im depressed and crying. It helps me say the things I can't out loud and complain about things that I can't control.
Now to wallow in my sorrow and comfort (or depress even more) myself with more drama...Asian dramas.
Until next time...

Laila~

Oh life.

It looks like I've been doing some serious bloggin lately to vent. Well more than usual. My faith is just really being tested lately. I'm just being emotional again. I used to be so emotional growing up, but I thought I had gotten a lot stronger. Now, it seems I'm back to being emotional and crying in bed at night.
This weekend a lot of things have been stressing me out.
My great-uncle Odell died on friday. At the time, i didn't know this. My dad told me something about him not pulling through his dialysis, but I took it as he was in a coma or something idk... I was half asleep. So it just now hit me.

He's the one in the hat. These are pictures I took at our family reunion this year in July. The two middle pictures are the siblings. My grandpa is the one in the blue. Then my dad is the guy sitting next to him in the first picture.
As soon as I got to the camp for the BSM Fall Retreat my mom called and told me that my dad had been diagnosed with low blood platelets and an enlarged spleen which makes him have sclerosis  of the liver. Supposedly it's not life threatening yet, but still...im gonna worry and think the worse. And then our BSM director had to talk about his when hid dad died and such. It took a lot to keep from crying. When I was on the way home, i texted my dad and said something about his diagnosis and he replied with "But I got JESUS, so don't worry about me." I didn't let it get to me then because I was in a car, but it is so getting to me now. I am glad to know he'll go to Heaven, but still...JEEZ now im sobbing. He cant go anywhere yet... Ok i have to stop thinking about this.
I have a history exam tomorrow and I haven't studied nor have i finished the essay for it. I am such a wreak right now...I need to calm down. Oh yeah...and Japanese homework and two Japanese quizzes tomorrow.
Lord please help me...give me strength to do what i need to do and not let my mind wander.

On another note...it's times like these that I wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who can hold me when I cry and tell me it'll be ok. Someone that I can depend on to comfort me and try to cheer me up. I've been so desperate and lonely lately. I mean I guess I'm always like this, but seeing all these people I know or even grew up with getting married and having babies. When will it be my turn?
I also have been feeling homesick. I just really want someone to hold me...
Im gonna have a headache from all this crying...
I guess it also doesn't help that I just started my time of the month today.




 

Crying

I am crying right now and can't stop. I guess all my emotions have been building up and now they are all coming out at once. It happens to me often.

1.  I just did an 8 hr shift (12-8pm) on my first day at my first part-time job ever. -cry-
2.  I called a friend to hang out after work so I could rest a little and since I was already by their dorm and it's Saturday night, but friends/roommates were tired, sick, going to sleep, or busy, so its a no...and something was said. -cry-
3.  Texted two guys to see if I could hang out at their apt since I was walking that way and wanted to hang out with someone still. Plus I hardly hang out with them without tons of other people. No reply. -cry-
4. Walked all the way across campus and up a hill from work to my apt AFTER i had been on my feet for 8 hours. -cry-
5. I.Have.NO.Car! -cry-
6. Do I have any close friends here? Is there anyone that wants me around no matter what? Has anyone personally invited me to just hang out or talk one-on-one? -cry-
7.  I'm pretty sure I annoy people because I ask for rides so much. -cry-
8.  My best friend/s are back home! -cry-
9.  I have no boyfriend, nor anyone that wants to be my boyfriend. I want a personal relationship with someone, I want to know that I can rely on them and they'll always be there for me. I need to feel loved. I WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME!  (besides Jesus) -cry-
10. I am on my own. For real. I've been hurt a couple of times recently. I want my mommy to hug  me and help me. Finally Homesick? -cry-
11. Mom calls. -sob-
12. Mom wanted me to talk to her while a walked all the way back so i wouldn't be alone in the dark and didn't want any thing to happen to me. worried. -sob-
13. Mom sorry that have no car and wish she could do something. -sob-
14. I need things from store: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair moose, some groceries. -cry-
15. I still need things for work: black pants and black no slip shoes! -cry-
16. Best friend wants to talk. Cant cause tired and i'll sob again. -cry-
17. Oh the pants that i just wore to work, my only black-ish ones, broke. -cry-
18. Skin problems acting up. -cry-
19. Cant go to church tomorrow. -cry-
20. Work and most of this repeat tomorrow. -cry-

Now you know what's mostly on my mind. Reason to cry...i think so. I still having trouble stopping. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. ;_;
I'm out~  Meliah.