Best Friend?

Is it ok if I can't pinpoint who my best friend is?

I know I am being overly emotional right now or I could be starting my period soon...but I've just hit a low point today and I need to rant.

All the questions that ask "Who is your best friend?" I have to seriously think about who it is at that moment.
There are two people who I want to call my best friend.

The first is my friend that I've known since 4th grade and we used to be inseparable in high school. She was like my shadow and we had our own little world at times, but recently I don't feel that close to her anymore. It was a slow process with me going away to college and her interests and fandoms diverging from mine. We used to be so in sync and she is who I credit my love for Asian cultures to because she introduced me to some anime and then we both got into Jpop, some Kpop, and dramas. But somewhere along the way she got away from all that. I tried to keep up with her by watching Glee with her over Skype and binge watching episodes I had missed when I would go home. I also fell in love with Starkid because of her and went to the tour stops in Texas with her. But now she's big into American mainstream music, shows and topics and a big LBGTQ activist. I'm not saying I'm against those, but they're not my passions. I'm not saying that we can't be best friends if we don't have the same passions, but I really want to connect better.

The person that I share feelings with and we share fandoms/passions, I have not known for very long. I feel like it took us such a short time to get so close, but I can't be her best friend because I'm late in the game. Her other close friends that have been around longer than me come first in her mind, which is totally understandable. I know it isn't fair to say things like this, but that's how I feel sometimes. I know we're real close, but she's like me and has many friends that she loves and protects. I just want to be first in someone's mind. Two of her other close friends came and got her last night to hang out and I didn't know until she told me earlier. I thought we were all close, but in my mind I can't get on their level because I'm still sorta new to the group. Up until I became friends with them, I never felt like I had a "squad" or"clique" to belong to in college. But even with them I still feel like I don't belong at times.

I guess I just want to have a really strong connection with someone where we are totally in sync with our thoughts and passions.

Not even can my boyfriend be called my best friend. We really don't have all that much in common actually, but it still works I guess. I don't want to try and push my passions onto him, but I want to be able to connect better with him. I see couples all the time saying that they are married to their best friend and I want that.

This is the only time I feel selfish for attention.

My whole life I have just been floating from friend group to friend group. I have made friends everywhere, some very very close friendships, but I don't think I've ever found someone that connects with me completely or where I felt like I completely belong. Most of my Christian friends don't share other passions with me and most of the people I want to be close to that have the same interests don't share my religious beliefs.

This is the only time I hate myself, when I'm selfish for friendship because I wasn't invited somewhere.
But...this will all not matter soon, because my rare moment of depression is soon over and I will go back to my happy and mostly indifferent self with plenty of friends and people that care about me.

I'm Over IT

There's a lot of things that I'm over now.

One: being sad about Jpop and quite possibly listening to Jpop in general. Basically all my favorite bands are breaking up, well not so much breaking up as having members leave. I just can't keep up with them anymore. Every time I try to go listen to a new song or rather watch a mv, it either doesn't work or makes me disappointed or sad. I just decided to focus on Kpop, which is immensely easy. I won't give up on Jpop totally, just...UGH I DONT EVEN KNOW! Next topic...

Two: I'm over my crushes (pshh yeah right). Well, one of them for sure since he is graduating. I've given up on him for a while now because I was never able to hang around him this semester. Ever since Ultimate Frisbee was cancelled I was able to let go of my feelings for him. Maybe not totally, but enough to where he wouldn't be on my mind all the time. And yeah, I'm giving a lot away right now, but I don't even care. He or possibly anyone associated with him won't even read this when I post it and the people that do read this might not even know him or will be able to figure out who it is. Plus, even if he were to read this, nothing would happen. Our interaction has been reduced to an awkward "Hi" whenever I do get a chance to see him, or rather we see each other. I would often see him around campus but he wouldn't see me. That may sound creepy, but that sort of thing happens when you have a crush. They just randomly appear wherever you are when you least expect it. And usually, you are too much of a coward to say anything. Not only that, but I felt I never really fit in with that group of people anyway. I love them dearly, don't get me wrong, but there were times where I felt like I wasn't wanted. I could never really say much without sounding dumb, because everything they all said was super witty and they just feed off each other's wittiness and friendship connection. It was really fun to feel excepted at first among this group of talented and funny people, but then the feeling slowly disappeared. I started struggling to be able to hang out with them. Being the youngest and least funny/witty you feel disconnected. Also, it didn't help that I don't have a car. I couldn't just show up and hang out like they all could with each other. I had to be a leech and ask them to get me or whatever. So I stopped when Ultimate stopped. I'm truly sad that most of you are graduating and I cherish every memory that I made with you, but now I guess it is time I focus on a different group and try to fit in somewhere else. I'm glad I got to be around you guys last Friday, even if it was only a tiny amount of time and was unfortunately cut short for me out of my control. Love you guys, but sadly, its over.
   
-I had planned for this post to be more quality, but my best ideas come to me when I'm trying to fall asleep and don't write them down. Then i forget. Sorry bout it.-
~MMK

Something is needed.

...and that something could be a car .
Having my own car would make things a lot easier for not just me, but everyone. Well everyone connected to me. I'd be able to be a better friend because I could just drop in or go over and hang out at someone's place and come and go as I please. Right, now I never go to anyone's hardly, because I don't want to ask someone for a ride. Or when I do finally get up the courage to ask someone, they can't. But I mean I guess it's not my fault. I mean, I know its not my fault. If they wanted to hang out with me they'd ask me over, or ask to come get me. Everyone should know by now that I don't have a car and don't live on campus. I guess that just tells me something right there... Yeah I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing and being pessimistic.
But I can't help it.
I really wanted to go to the Coffee Pot tonight to watch friends play a show, but look at me...I'm not there. I even changed and straightened my hair, but i had no one to bring me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I get so jealous of people I'm around because they've found a close friend to always be with or awesome roommates that they're super close with and do things together with.
I just miss my best friend and our relationship.
Especially once she got a car. She would just come over and "kidnap" me and bring me to her house, or we'd go do something together. I'm not saying I liked her for her car, that's not it. I'm just saying that because that's what i'm upset about right now.
Friends here that I don't have classes with or live close to anymore I hardly ever see except, maybe once a week at Refuge (which I didn't make it to this week =[ ) I feel bad asking rides from those people (which are the only people I'm close to that have cars and I feel comfortable with), because I do hardly ever see them and I don't want to be using them. I was already accused of this anyway, which i still feel terrible for.
There's this one friend that I'm not even close to who happens to live in the same apt complex. She volunteered to come pick me up from work at midnight and bring me home every Tuesday. I can't thank her enough. I gave her gas money and when she refused I didn't get out of the car without her taking it. It's the very least I can do.
Gah i wish i lived on campus. And I wish I didn't ever apply for this dang job at Jones thats super inconvenient for me.
Sorry, that I don't ever blog about happy things. I just, don't think about Blogging until im depressed and crying. It helps me say the things I can't out loud and complain about things that I can't control.
Now to wallow in my sorrow and comfort (or depress even more) myself with more drama...Asian dramas.
Until next time...

Laila~

Crying

I am crying right now and can't stop. I guess all my emotions have been building up and now they are all coming out at once. It happens to me often.

1.  I just did an 8 hr shift (12-8pm) on my first day at my first part-time job ever. -cry-
2.  I called a friend to hang out after work so I could rest a little and since I was already by their dorm and it's Saturday night, but friends/roommates were tired, sick, going to sleep, or busy, so its a no...and something was said. -cry-
3.  Texted two guys to see if I could hang out at their apt since I was walking that way and wanted to hang out with someone still. Plus I hardly hang out with them without tons of other people. No reply. -cry-
4. Walked all the way across campus and up a hill from work to my apt AFTER i had been on my feet for 8 hours. -cry-
5. I.Have.NO.Car! -cry-
6. Do I have any close friends here? Is there anyone that wants me around no matter what? Has anyone personally invited me to just hang out or talk one-on-one? -cry-
7.  I'm pretty sure I annoy people because I ask for rides so much. -cry-
8.  My best friend/s are back home! -cry-
9.  I have no boyfriend, nor anyone that wants to be my boyfriend. I want a personal relationship with someone, I want to know that I can rely on them and they'll always be there for me. I need to feel loved. I WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME!  (besides Jesus) -cry-
10. I am on my own. For real. I've been hurt a couple of times recently. I want my mommy to hug  me and help me. Finally Homesick? -cry-
11. Mom calls. -sob-
12. Mom wanted me to talk to her while a walked all the way back so i wouldn't be alone in the dark and didn't want any thing to happen to me. worried. -sob-
13. Mom sorry that have no car and wish she could do something. -sob-
14. I need things from store: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair moose, some groceries. -cry-
15. I still need things for work: black pants and black no slip shoes! -cry-
16. Best friend wants to talk. Cant cause tired and i'll sob again. -cry-
17. Oh the pants that i just wore to work, my only black-ish ones, broke. -cry-
18. Skin problems acting up. -cry-
19. Cant go to church tomorrow. -cry-
20. Work and most of this repeat tomorrow. -cry-

Now you know what's mostly on my mind. Reason to cry...i think so. I still having trouble stopping. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. ;_;
I'm out~  Meliah.

happy valentines day =[

Today was Vday. well technically yesterday, now. It was an ok day. Pretty lonely for the most part though. I wanted to spend time with a friend, but he had things to do. He always has things to do now and doesn't invite me. He doesn't even talk to me on his own now. This morning was the most we've talked in a while, and that was just a brief convo before class started. I miss him. He kinda seems mad at me, I hope i didnt do anything to him. He even had a dinner date with a Valentine tonight. Why does he get a Valentine, I thought he wasn't that type of guy. Im sure it was just the friend i know, but what if it wasn't? I wouldn't know because he doesn't hangout with me anymore. I pray for him all the time now. He doesn't know how much i really care for him, even if i don't agree with some things he believes in, or rather doesn't believe. My heart is broken for him most of the time. Friend...i miss you.

There's also someone else i miss.
I went to his facebook profile and wrote this on his wall, but didn't post it.

i love you. not sure how not sure why, but i do. you seem to get me, we have common interests as well. i feel like i can be myself around you. you are a Christian a Baptist at that. guys like you are hard to find. i feel safe and even wanted when im with you. could we be something more? Can we go further than holding hands? It took me close to 2 weeks before i held hands with my actual boyfriend, it only took the second time to spend a day with you and we aren't even dating. i wish you were here. i wish i knew you better. i wish you could touch me and hold me again...I hope im not rushing into this but i feel something different with you than my other crushes. could we have a future together? do you even feel the same way i do? i may not ever know. im scared to get close to you again because you'll bring me in just to push me away and tell me we should be friends for now. its for the best but i think its not what we both want. at least this is how i think you feel. these are things i want to say to you, but can't find the courage to and i dont think its the right time to say it. until next time...miss you.

That pretty much sums up how i feel about him. I don't know if he'll ever get to know those things. We'll see this summer, perhaps.
~Hoping to find love one day~
Laila