...and that something could be a car .
Having my own car would make things a lot easier for not just me, but everyone. Well everyone connected to me. I'd be able to be a better friend because I could just drop in or go over and hang out at someone's place and come and go as I please. Right, now I never go to anyone's hardly, because I don't want to ask someone for a ride. Or when I do finally get up the courage to ask someone, they can't. But I mean I guess it's not my fault. I mean, I know its not my fault. If they wanted to hang out with me they'd ask me over, or ask to come get me. Everyone should know by now that I don't have a car and don't live on campus. I guess that just tells me something right there... Yeah I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing and being pessimistic.
But I can't help it.
I really wanted to go to the Coffee Pot tonight to watch friends play a show, but look at me...I'm not there. I even changed and straightened my hair, but i had no one to bring me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I get so jealous of people I'm around because they've found a close friend to always be with or awesome roommates that they're super close with and do things together with.
I just miss my best friend and our relationship.
Especially once she got a car. She would just come over and "kidnap" me and bring me to her house, or we'd go do something together. I'm not saying I liked her for her car, that's not it. I'm just saying that because that's what i'm upset about right now.
Friends here that I don't have classes with or live close to anymore I hardly ever see except, maybe once a week at Refuge (which I didn't make it to this week =[ ) I feel bad asking rides from those people (which are the only people I'm close to that have cars and I feel comfortable with), because I do hardly ever see them and I don't want to be using them. I was already accused of this anyway, which i still feel terrible for.
There's this one friend that I'm not even close to who happens to live in the same apt complex. She volunteered to come pick me up from work at midnight and bring me home every Tuesday. I can't thank her enough. I gave her gas money and when she refused I didn't get out of the car without her taking it. It's the very least I can do.
Gah i wish i lived on campus. And I wish I didn't ever apply for this dang job at Jones thats super inconvenient for me.
Sorry, that I don't ever blog about happy things. I just, don't think about Blogging until im depressed and crying. It helps me say the things I can't out loud and complain about things that I can't control.
Now to wallow in my sorrow and comfort (or depress even more) myself with more drama...Asian dramas.
Until next time...
Laila~
An informal and mostly personal blog. I am a Public Relations major, so I hope to use this more to practice writing, but that won't stop me from posting about my feelings and in a sometimes grammatically incorrect manner. :3
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Oh life.
It looks like I've been doing some serious bloggin lately to vent. Well more than usual. My faith is just really being tested lately. I'm just being emotional again. I used to be so emotional growing up, but I thought I had gotten a lot stronger. Now, it seems I'm back to being emotional and crying in bed at night.
This weekend a lot of things have been stressing me out.
My great-uncle Odell died on friday. At the time, i didn't know this. My dad told me something about him not pulling through his dialysis, but I took it as he was in a coma or something idk... I was half asleep. So it just now hit me.
He's the one in the hat. These are pictures I took at our family reunion this year in July. The two middle pictures are the siblings. My grandpa is the one in the blue. Then my dad is the guy sitting next to him in the first picture.
As soon as I got to the camp for the BSM Fall Retreat my mom called and told me that my dad had been diagnosed with low blood platelets and an enlarged spleen which makes him have sclerosis of the liver. Supposedly it's not life threatening yet, but still...im gonna worry and think the worse. And then our BSM director had to talk about his when hid dad died and such. It took a lot to keep from crying. When I was on the way home, i texted my dad and said something about his diagnosis and he replied with "But I got JESUS, so don't worry about me." I didn't let it get to me then because I was in a car, but it is so getting to me now. I am glad to know he'll go to Heaven, but still...JEEZ now im sobbing. He cant go anywhere yet... Ok i have to stop thinking about this.
I have a history exam tomorrow and I haven't studied nor have i finished the essay for it. I am such a wreak right now...I need to calm down. Oh yeah...and Japanese homework and two Japanese quizzes tomorrow.
Lord please help me...give me strength to do what i need to do and not let my mind wander.
On another note...it's times like these that I wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who can hold me when I cry and tell me it'll be ok. Someone that I can depend on to comfort me and try to cheer me up. I've been so desperate and lonely lately. I mean I guess I'm always like this, but seeing all these people I know or even grew up with getting married and having babies. When will it be my turn?
I also have been feeling homesick. I just really want someone to hold me...
Im gonna have a headache from all this crying...
I guess it also doesn't help that I just started my time of the month today.
This weekend a lot of things have been stressing me out.
My great-uncle Odell died on friday. At the time, i didn't know this. My dad told me something about him not pulling through his dialysis, but I took it as he was in a coma or something idk... I was half asleep. So it just now hit me.
He's the one in the hat. These are pictures I took at our family reunion this year in July. The two middle pictures are the siblings. My grandpa is the one in the blue. Then my dad is the guy sitting next to him in the first picture.
As soon as I got to the camp for the BSM Fall Retreat my mom called and told me that my dad had been diagnosed with low blood platelets and an enlarged spleen which makes him have sclerosis of the liver. Supposedly it's not life threatening yet, but still...im gonna worry and think the worse. And then our BSM director had to talk about his when hid dad died and such. It took a lot to keep from crying. When I was on the way home, i texted my dad and said something about his diagnosis and he replied with "But I got JESUS, so don't worry about me." I didn't let it get to me then because I was in a car, but it is so getting to me now. I am glad to know he'll go to Heaven, but still...JEEZ now im sobbing. He cant go anywhere yet... Ok i have to stop thinking about this.
I have a history exam tomorrow and I haven't studied nor have i finished the essay for it. I am such a wreak right now...I need to calm down. Oh yeah...and Japanese homework and two Japanese quizzes tomorrow.
Lord please help me...give me strength to do what i need to do and not let my mind wander.
On another note...it's times like these that I wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who can hold me when I cry and tell me it'll be ok. Someone that I can depend on to comfort me and try to cheer me up. I've been so desperate and lonely lately. I mean I guess I'm always like this, but seeing all these people I know or even grew up with getting married and having babies. When will it be my turn?
I also have been feeling homesick. I just really want someone to hold me...
Im gonna have a headache from all this crying...
I guess it also doesn't help that I just started my time of the month today.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Crying
I am crying right now and can't stop. I guess all my emotions have been building up and now they are all coming out at once. It happens to me often.
I'm out~ Meliah.
- I just did an 8 hr shift (12-8pm) on my first day at my first part-time job ever. -cry-
- I called a friend to hang out after work so I could rest a little and since I was already by their dorm and it's Saturday night, but friends/roommates were tired, sick, going to sleep, or busy, so its a no...and something was said. -cry-
- Texted two guys to see if I could hang out at their apt since I was walking that way and wanted to hang out with someone still. Plus I hardly hang out with them without tons of other people. No reply. -cry-
- Walked all the way across campus and up a hill from work to my apt AFTER i had been on my feet for 8 hours. -cry-
- I.Have.NO.Car! -cry-
- Do I have any close friends here? Is there anyone that wants me around no matter what? Has anyone personally invited me to just hang out or talk one-on-one? -cry-
- I'm pretty sure I annoy people because I ask for rides so much. -cry-
- My best friend/s are back home! -cry-
- I have no boyfriend, nor anyone that wants to be my boyfriend. I want a personal relationship with someone, I want to know that I can rely on them and they'll always be there for me. I need to feel loved. I WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME! (besides Jesus) -cry-
- I am on my own. For real. I've been hurt a couple of times recently. I want my mommy to hug me and help me. Finally Homesick? -cry-
- Mom calls. -sob-
- Mom wanted me to talk to her while a walked all the way back so i wouldn't be alone in the dark and didn't want any thing to happen to me. worried. -sob-
- Mom sorry that have no car and wish she could do something. -sob-
- I need things from store: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair moose, some groceries. -cry-
- I still need things for work: black pants and black no slip shoes! -cry-
- Best friend wants to talk. Cant cause tired and i'll sob again. -cry-
- Oh the pants that i just wore to work, my only black-ish ones, broke. -cry-
- Skin problems acting up. -cry-
- Cant go to church tomorrow. -cry-
- Work and most of this repeat tomorrow. -cry-
I'm out~ Meliah.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Summer Thoughts.
Well, this summer wasn't what I was expecting it to be.
Originally, I had planned to be working at CPN (my tribe) this summer. I even had a job lined up and everything. Then, things fell apart. My place to stay suddenly couldn't house me for family reasons. Soon after that the job told me they wouldn't be able to hire me anyway because of funding. My guess is that God didn't want me there for a reason. Actually, I think I knew the reason but I choose to ignore it. Later in the summer that reason comes back to hit me in the face. Well, not literally, but I finally come to terms with it.
Basically, I was stuck at home most of the summer. This was good and bad.
Good: I got to spend time with friends and family.
Bad: I was bored for a lot of the time and...may have made some not so good choices.
The choices I'm referring to may or may not involve a guy. Don't worry, it's not terrible. I still have my V card and I didn't get close to losing it. I just had a "what if" situation with a guy friend. Enough about that.
Um...let's see. Oh yeah.
My summer didn't get fun until the end of July.
Two words. Darren Criss. (I love this perf. Especially the phone incident.)
Yup, I saw him in concert. But yet again, it feels like a dream.( Like when I saw Miyavi.) I still can't actually believe I saw him in person. He is an incredible person. I'm kind of upset that I wasn't his fan before I found him on Glee. Gah! I just can't find the words to describe him right now. He is so much more than Blaine on Glee though. If you really want to love him, go watch Starkid stuff. Like A Very Potter Musical.
Anyway, i digress... My bestie and another friend went to Six Flags Fiesta Texas to see him. It was ok, I guess. Six flags, not the concert. The concert was amazing.
After that, went to a family reunion.
Then i was supposed to go to Six Flags FT again to drop off a cousin with his sister, but we ended up staying. I didn't have much fun cause i was just there.
The next day, my friend that would bring me to Oklahoma took me and our friend from OK to Schlitterbaun. It was my first time and I had SO MUCH FUN! Although, I lost my good pair of flip-flops. sad face.
On to Oklahoma!
It was a blast. I stayed with a family that I've fallen in love with. They are basically my second family. I went to a church camp with them while up there, Indian Falls Creek.
That camp is really really great. I'm kinda lacking in description abilities atm, but it is just so amazing. I really love my Oklahoma fam. Although, while there the thing i had to come to terms with happened. I was rejected. Well, not straight-up no, but he said he only has friend feelings for me. Maybe that's what God was keeping me from. He didn't want me to go up there for the wrong reason and get hurt. Now that I finally know for sure how he feels, I can move on. It is a little hard, but slowly I am letting go of my feelings. I started getting myself in way too deep. I may already be. I fell in love not only with him, but his family. I went to his Dad's birthday party when I got there. I even finally met his Mom and like her a lot. But, I guess it's not meant to be. I'm still going to keep in touch and be his friend. I'm just not going to wait on him anymore. I'm moving on...
Not that there's anyone to move on to. I don't know if I even want to keep my crushes anymore. Once again, I am back to where I started. Lonely and without hope.
Right, enough of my pity party. (I guess I don't care anymore if someone reads this. Like anyone will though.)
So I'm back in college now. I like my classes so far. Apartment life is pretty cool. Except for the fact that I'm not on campus so it's inconvenient. No car para mi.
Yeah so i think that's all I'm gonna write now. I'm tired...of this. lol jk.
NIGHT!~ OYASUMI~
Originally, I had planned to be working at CPN (my tribe) this summer. I even had a job lined up and everything. Then, things fell apart. My place to stay suddenly couldn't house me for family reasons. Soon after that the job told me they wouldn't be able to hire me anyway because of funding. My guess is that God didn't want me there for a reason. Actually, I think I knew the reason but I choose to ignore it. Later in the summer that reason comes back to hit me in the face. Well, not literally, but I finally come to terms with it.
Basically, I was stuck at home most of the summer. This was good and bad.
Good: I got to spend time with friends and family.
Bad: I was bored for a lot of the time and...may have made some not so good choices.
The choices I'm referring to may or may not involve a guy. Don't worry, it's not terrible. I still have my V card and I didn't get close to losing it. I just had a "what if" situation with a guy friend. Enough about that.
Um...let's see. Oh yeah.
My summer didn't get fun until the end of July.
Two words. Darren Criss. (I love this perf. Especially the phone incident.)
Yup, I saw him in concert. But yet again, it feels like a dream.( Like when I saw Miyavi.) I still can't actually believe I saw him in person. He is an incredible person. I'm kind of upset that I wasn't his fan before I found him on Glee. Gah! I just can't find the words to describe him right now. He is so much more than Blaine on Glee though. If you really want to love him, go watch Starkid stuff. Like A Very Potter Musical.
Anyway, i digress... My bestie and another friend went to Six Flags Fiesta Texas to see him. It was ok, I guess. Six flags, not the concert. The concert was amazing.
After that, went to a family reunion.
Then i was supposed to go to Six Flags FT again to drop off a cousin with his sister, but we ended up staying. I didn't have much fun cause i was just there.
The next day, my friend that would bring me to Oklahoma took me and our friend from OK to Schlitterbaun. It was my first time and I had SO MUCH FUN! Although, I lost my good pair of flip-flops. sad face.
On to Oklahoma!
It was a blast. I stayed with a family that I've fallen in love with. They are basically my second family. I went to a church camp with them while up there, Indian Falls Creek.
That camp is really really great. I'm kinda lacking in description abilities atm, but it is just so amazing. I really love my Oklahoma fam. Although, while there the thing i had to come to terms with happened. I was rejected. Well, not straight-up no, but he said he only has friend feelings for me. Maybe that's what God was keeping me from. He didn't want me to go up there for the wrong reason and get hurt. Now that I finally know for sure how he feels, I can move on. It is a little hard, but slowly I am letting go of my feelings. I started getting myself in way too deep. I may already be. I fell in love not only with him, but his family. I went to his Dad's birthday party when I got there. I even finally met his Mom and like her a lot. But, I guess it's not meant to be. I'm still going to keep in touch and be his friend. I'm just not going to wait on him anymore. I'm moving on...
Not that there's anyone to move on to. I don't know if I even want to keep my crushes anymore. Once again, I am back to where I started. Lonely and without hope.
Right, enough of my pity party. (I guess I don't care anymore if someone reads this. Like anyone will though.)
So I'm back in college now. I like my classes so far. Apartment life is pretty cool. Except for the fact that I'm not on campus so it's inconvenient. No car para mi.
Yeah so i think that's all I'm gonna write now. I'm tired...of this. lol jk.
NIGHT!~ OYASUMI~
Friday, August 26, 2011
Pathetic.
Right so, i don't want to talk about my summer right now. It is not the matter on my mind at the moment. I dont even wanna mention my first days of classes. We can discuss those later.
What i do want to say is...how pathetic am i?
Something just happened that has happened to me frequently. I start to get up the courage to flirt with a guy or something or find i'm developing stronger feelings for a guy friend. Then i turn around and find that they just asked out a friend of mine and are now dating like the same day i make the decision to start to pursue them. Like tonight, I decided to see if this guy could be someone that could like me. He has started paying more attention to me and talking to me more. This doesn't happen often between the male species and i. I take things like this to heart and blow it out of proportion. And i get home to facebook and see he just put his relationship status as dating the girl that was with us. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I seriously thought this girl liked a different guy. Boy, was i wrong. It sorta hit me when a ran after them to get my backpack out of his car and turned the corner to see them holding hands. In my head i was like: (hmmmm...were they just...? nah!) Then he was like: Oh i'll just take you home. That's when i started feeling the awkwardness. And like I said, came in my apt and found the status change. How the heck can I be that oblivious. This exact thing happened to me last semester. When i saw it my first reaction was: AW CUTE!...(then)...wait...what!? (this being after i liked it and then i commented I KNEW IT!). Even though I made it sound like i could tell they had something going on...I was freakin oblivious. Then I realized this happened to me before. Needless to say, I got off FB and started crying.
I'm pretty sure i have a hidden talent of repelling guys. My love life has consisted of: numerous crushes...nonstop, one "boyfriend" of 2? months end of 7th to 8th but we DID NOTHING just a title, 9th grade 16 hour bf who was pressured into it by mutual friends so i basically told him to end it because i knew he didnt like me, one true boyfriend (basically my first; first hand hold, first kiss and make-out, an intense and overly flirty "thing" with a Chinese waiter, first date (although our "date" wasn't until after we dated because neither of us could drive when we dated so i guess it doesn't count?), an almost fling who rejected me twice because he just wants to be friends after he was making moves on me (meaning holding hands/cuddling), and a regretful fling with a guy friend that was just a "what if" type situation.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I know God has someone out there for me. But ( i know its bad to say) im really tired of waiting. True love does wait, but can't i have a lil relationship? No. I need to stop thinking like that. Im just longing for a relationship. I want someone to want me, to want to get to know me, to want to be with me, to want to love and love me for who i am. I want someone to hold me and just look into my eyes, telling me that they'll be there for me. I WANT TO CUDDLE. God you granted me patience, but im not using it right.
I need patience for my love life.
#hopelessromantic4lifeproblems
Now to indulge myself in Asian dramas to watch relationships that i'll never have.
~Meliah
What i do want to say is...how pathetic am i?
Something just happened that has happened to me frequently. I start to get up the courage to flirt with a guy or something or find i'm developing stronger feelings for a guy friend. Then i turn around and find that they just asked out a friend of mine and are now dating like the same day i make the decision to start to pursue them. Like tonight, I decided to see if this guy could be someone that could like me. He has started paying more attention to me and talking to me more. This doesn't happen often between the male species and i. I take things like this to heart and blow it out of proportion. And i get home to facebook and see he just put his relationship status as dating the girl that was with us. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I seriously thought this girl liked a different guy. Boy, was i wrong. It sorta hit me when a ran after them to get my backpack out of his car and turned the corner to see them holding hands. In my head i was like: (hmmmm...were they just...? nah!) Then he was like: Oh i'll just take you home. That's when i started feeling the awkwardness. And like I said, came in my apt and found the status change. How the heck can I be that oblivious. This exact thing happened to me last semester. When i saw it my first reaction was: AW CUTE!...(then)...wait...what!? (this being after i liked it and then i commented I KNEW IT!). Even though I made it sound like i could tell they had something going on...I was freakin oblivious. Then I realized this happened to me before. Needless to say, I got off FB and started crying.
I'm pretty sure i have a hidden talent of repelling guys. My love life has consisted of: numerous crushes...nonstop, one "boyfriend" of 2? months end of 7th to 8th but we DID NOTHING just a title, 9th grade 16 hour bf who was pressured into it by mutual friends so i basically told him to end it because i knew he didnt like me, one true boyfriend (basically my first; first hand hold, first kiss and make-out, an intense and overly flirty "thing" with a Chinese waiter, first date (although our "date" wasn't until after we dated because neither of us could drive when we dated so i guess it doesn't count?), an almost fling who rejected me twice because he just wants to be friends after he was making moves on me (meaning holding hands/cuddling), and a regretful fling with a guy friend that was just a "what if" type situation.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I know God has someone out there for me. But ( i know its bad to say) im really tired of waiting. True love does wait, but can't i have a lil relationship? No. I need to stop thinking like that. Im just longing for a relationship. I want someone to want me, to want to get to know me, to want to be with me, to want to love and love me for who i am. I want someone to hold me and just look into my eyes, telling me that they'll be there for me. I WANT TO CUDDLE. God you granted me patience, but im not using it right.
I need patience for my love life.
#hopelessromantic4lifeproblems
Now to indulge myself in Asian dramas to watch relationships that i'll never have.
~Meliah
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Apparently i can blog from my phone. I just havent tried yet so here goes...
I just completely knocked down my self-confidence. I was walkin down the side of alkek library comin from a final and i saw my big crush for txst walk past the bottom of the steps headin the same way i was. I speedily went down the stairs to catch up with him. Idk why i did b/c i hadnt planned further. I basically stalked him until we parted ways at flowers. At one pt. we were walkin right next to each other and he didnt notice me. I made no effort to get his attention, except attempting to keep up with him and smiling like a fool. why is it so hard for me to make a move?Is it b/c i know hes not interested? What wouldve happnd if i said hi. Should i have? I might tell him if i see him at the parting of waves party. I should see him cause it'll be at his apt. I fail.
I just completely knocked down my self-confidence. I was walkin down the side of alkek library comin from a final and i saw my big crush for txst walk past the bottom of the steps headin the same way i was. I speedily went down the stairs to catch up with him. Idk why i did b/c i hadnt planned further. I basically stalked him until we parted ways at flowers. At one pt. we were walkin right next to each other and he didnt notice me. I made no effort to get his attention, except attempting to keep up with him and smiling like a fool. why is it so hard for me to make a move?Is it b/c i know hes not interested? What wouldve happnd if i said hi. Should i have? I might tell him if i see him at the parting of waves party. I should see him cause it'll be at his apt. I fail.
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