Aspirations

I seem to be getting closer and closer to my career goals everyday.

I mean...I still have a long way to go, but things seem to be slowly falling into place recently. I definitely have been feeling blessed lately. I'm back in Japan working (just as an ALT though), still dating my wonderful boyfriend without much conflict (mostly internal petty things on my part), and things just seem to be going really well. I still struggle financially, because I haven't received my first paycheck yet, but I have lived on low funds in Japan before and can somehow still manage (mostly with the help of my boyfriend buying and giving me things and parents giving me money when they can).

Recently, I have been thinking more about my career path. Since I graduated with an undergrad degree in PR last December, I haven't done much concerning that degree and skill sets I obtained. I've mostly been focused on getting the ALT job confirmed and in place, then actually moving to Japan and settling in. Moving to Japan is just the first step. After my one year contract as an ALT ends I hope to move on to something more of my expertise and passion.

Before coming back to Japan, I became a follower of quite a few J-vloggers and Japanese YouTubers. I then fell in love with the YouTube Japan community. Previously, I never gave much thought about becoming a vlogger or uploading videos on YouTube myself. I thought it would be cool to get a following, but I think everyone has thoughts of wanting to become famous at some point in their life. After watching these people upload their lives in Japan on YouTube and gain a following, I began thinking. What if I try that when I move back to Japan? Because I took some media classes in the last part of my college career, I was given many assignments that I had to produce my own content and upload it online. These classes give me opportunities to see what its like to try and gain a following. I haven't had much success, but during these classes I would keep thinking of what kind of content I could cover when I return to Japan. I've gained all kinds of inspirations from various vloggers and bloggers, but I was never certain of any ideas I though of. It is hard to come up with content that isn't already out there or something interesting enough to gain a following.

Some ideas of themes I want to try for my online presence are:
Fangirl life in Japan (especially as a foreigner)
Being plus sized in Japan
Interesting restaurants and food finds in Japan (already have a blog from a class project set up for this)

I have also been making my presence on Twitter much more active since that is a big outlet in Japan. Recently I've had a lot of success in interacting with my favorite J-vloggers. At first it seemed to be just likes, but now they've been replying to tweets I mention them in. That is a BIG confidence boost. One of my goals is to become friends with them and make connections for my career future. But that is why I had this big revelation for starting up blogging and possibly even vlogging. If I ever meet any of them and become friends, I need to have a good online personality and presence set up with at least some good content to provide. Most of them may have become famous through YouTube, but they have other careers as well. One of them even has a dream job of mine, working as an English vocal coach (not sure of the exact title) with Japanese actors and entertainment people.  While I do hope to be genuine friends with J-vloggers and become part of YouTube Japan community, I don't see myself making a career out of blogging and possible vlogging. My biggest insecurity is that I don't like the sound of my voice or seeing myself on video. I've slowly started overcoming this insecurity with the help of students I teach telling me I have a pretty voice and that I'm cute (also bf recently said that my voice was one of the things he first became attracted to).

I'm still very anxious about everything, but I have some time before I need to have my next career step in place.

Wish me luck~

Something is needed.

...and that something could be a car .
Having my own car would make things a lot easier for not just me, but everyone. Well everyone connected to me. I'd be able to be a better friend because I could just drop in or go over and hang out at someone's place and come and go as I please. Right, now I never go to anyone's hardly, because I don't want to ask someone for a ride. Or when I do finally get up the courage to ask someone, they can't. But I mean I guess it's not my fault. I mean, I know its not my fault. If they wanted to hang out with me they'd ask me over, or ask to come get me. Everyone should know by now that I don't have a car and don't live on campus. I guess that just tells me something right there... Yeah I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing and being pessimistic.
But I can't help it.
I really wanted to go to the Coffee Pot tonight to watch friends play a show, but look at me...I'm not there. I even changed and straightened my hair, but i had no one to bring me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I get so jealous of people I'm around because they've found a close friend to always be with or awesome roommates that they're super close with and do things together with.
I just miss my best friend and our relationship.
Especially once she got a car. She would just come over and "kidnap" me and bring me to her house, or we'd go do something together. I'm not saying I liked her for her car, that's not it. I'm just saying that because that's what i'm upset about right now.
Friends here that I don't have classes with or live close to anymore I hardly ever see except, maybe once a week at Refuge (which I didn't make it to this week =[ ) I feel bad asking rides from those people (which are the only people I'm close to that have cars and I feel comfortable with), because I do hardly ever see them and I don't want to be using them. I was already accused of this anyway, which i still feel terrible for.
There's this one friend that I'm not even close to who happens to live in the same apt complex. She volunteered to come pick me up from work at midnight and bring me home every Tuesday. I can't thank her enough. I gave her gas money and when she refused I didn't get out of the car without her taking it. It's the very least I can do.
Gah i wish i lived on campus. And I wish I didn't ever apply for this dang job at Jones thats super inconvenient for me.
Sorry, that I don't ever blog about happy things. I just, don't think about Blogging until im depressed and crying. It helps me say the things I can't out loud and complain about things that I can't control.
Now to wallow in my sorrow and comfort (or depress even more) myself with more drama...Asian dramas.
Until next time...

Laila~

Crying

I am crying right now and can't stop. I guess all my emotions have been building up and now they are all coming out at once. It happens to me often.

1.  I just did an 8 hr shift (12-8pm) on my first day at my first part-time job ever. -cry-
2.  I called a friend to hang out after work so I could rest a little and since I was already by their dorm and it's Saturday night, but friends/roommates were tired, sick, going to sleep, or busy, so its a no...and something was said. -cry-
3.  Texted two guys to see if I could hang out at their apt since I was walking that way and wanted to hang out with someone still. Plus I hardly hang out with them without tons of other people. No reply. -cry-
4. Walked all the way across campus and up a hill from work to my apt AFTER i had been on my feet for 8 hours. -cry-
5. I.Have.NO.Car! -cry-
6. Do I have any close friends here? Is there anyone that wants me around no matter what? Has anyone personally invited me to just hang out or talk one-on-one? -cry-
7.  I'm pretty sure I annoy people because I ask for rides so much. -cry-
8.  My best friend/s are back home! -cry-
9.  I have no boyfriend, nor anyone that wants to be my boyfriend. I want a personal relationship with someone, I want to know that I can rely on them and they'll always be there for me. I need to feel loved. I WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME!  (besides Jesus) -cry-
10. I am on my own. For real. I've been hurt a couple of times recently. I want my mommy to hug  me and help me. Finally Homesick? -cry-
11. Mom calls. -sob-
12. Mom wanted me to talk to her while a walked all the way back so i wouldn't be alone in the dark and didn't want any thing to happen to me. worried. -sob-
13. Mom sorry that have no car and wish she could do something. -sob-
14. I need things from store: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair moose, some groceries. -cry-
15. I still need things for work: black pants and black no slip shoes! -cry-
16. Best friend wants to talk. Cant cause tired and i'll sob again. -cry-
17. Oh the pants that i just wore to work, my only black-ish ones, broke. -cry-
18. Skin problems acting up. -cry-
19. Cant go to church tomorrow. -cry-
20. Work and most of this repeat tomorrow. -cry-

Now you know what's mostly on my mind. Reason to cry...i think so. I still having trouble stopping. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. ;_;
I'm out~  Meliah.