Oh life.

It looks like I've been doing some serious bloggin lately to vent. Well more than usual. My faith is just really being tested lately. I'm just being emotional again. I used to be so emotional growing up, but I thought I had gotten a lot stronger. Now, it seems I'm back to being emotional and crying in bed at night.
This weekend a lot of things have been stressing me out.
My great-uncle Odell died on friday. At the time, i didn't know this. My dad told me something about him not pulling through his dialysis, but I took it as he was in a coma or something idk... I was half asleep. So it just now hit me.

He's the one in the hat. These are pictures I took at our family reunion this year in July. The two middle pictures are the siblings. My grandpa is the one in the blue. Then my dad is the guy sitting next to him in the first picture.
As soon as I got to the camp for the BSM Fall Retreat my mom called and told me that my dad had been diagnosed with low blood platelets and an enlarged spleen which makes him have sclerosis  of the liver. Supposedly it's not life threatening yet, but still...im gonna worry and think the worse. And then our BSM director had to talk about his when hid dad died and such. It took a lot to keep from crying. When I was on the way home, i texted my dad and said something about his diagnosis and he replied with "But I got JESUS, so don't worry about me." I didn't let it get to me then because I was in a car, but it is so getting to me now. I am glad to know he'll go to Heaven, but still...JEEZ now im sobbing. He cant go anywhere yet... Ok i have to stop thinking about this.
I have a history exam tomorrow and I haven't studied nor have i finished the essay for it. I am such a wreak right now...I need to calm down. Oh yeah...and Japanese homework and two Japanese quizzes tomorrow.
Lord please help me...give me strength to do what i need to do and not let my mind wander.

On another note...it's times like these that I wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who can hold me when I cry and tell me it'll be ok. Someone that I can depend on to comfort me and try to cheer me up. I've been so desperate and lonely lately. I mean I guess I'm always like this, but seeing all these people I know or even grew up with getting married and having babies. When will it be my turn?
I also have been feeling homesick. I just really want someone to hold me...
Im gonna have a headache from all this crying...
I guess it also doesn't help that I just started my time of the month today.




 

Crying

I am crying right now and can't stop. I guess all my emotions have been building up and now they are all coming out at once. It happens to me often.

1.  I just did an 8 hr shift (12-8pm) on my first day at my first part-time job ever. -cry-
2.  I called a friend to hang out after work so I could rest a little and since I was already by their dorm and it's Saturday night, but friends/roommates were tired, sick, going to sleep, or busy, so its a no...and something was said. -cry-
3.  Texted two guys to see if I could hang out at their apt since I was walking that way and wanted to hang out with someone still. Plus I hardly hang out with them without tons of other people. No reply. -cry-
4. Walked all the way across campus and up a hill from work to my apt AFTER i had been on my feet for 8 hours. -cry-
5. I.Have.NO.Car! -cry-
6. Do I have any close friends here? Is there anyone that wants me around no matter what? Has anyone personally invited me to just hang out or talk one-on-one? -cry-
7.  I'm pretty sure I annoy people because I ask for rides so much. -cry-
8.  My best friend/s are back home! -cry-
9.  I have no boyfriend, nor anyone that wants to be my boyfriend. I want a personal relationship with someone, I want to know that I can rely on them and they'll always be there for me. I need to feel loved. I WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME!  (besides Jesus) -cry-
10. I am on my own. For real. I've been hurt a couple of times recently. I want my mommy to hug  me and help me. Finally Homesick? -cry-
11. Mom calls. -sob-
12. Mom wanted me to talk to her while a walked all the way back so i wouldn't be alone in the dark and didn't want any thing to happen to me. worried. -sob-
13. Mom sorry that have no car and wish she could do something. -sob-
14. I need things from store: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair moose, some groceries. -cry-
15. I still need things for work: black pants and black no slip shoes! -cry-
16. Best friend wants to talk. Cant cause tired and i'll sob again. -cry-
17. Oh the pants that i just wore to work, my only black-ish ones, broke. -cry-
18. Skin problems acting up. -cry-
19. Cant go to church tomorrow. -cry-
20. Work and most of this repeat tomorrow. -cry-

Now you know what's mostly on my mind. Reason to cry...i think so. I still having trouble stopping. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. ;_;
I'm out~  Meliah.

Summer Thoughts.

Well, this summer wasn't what I was expecting it to be.
Originally, I had planned to be working at CPN (my tribe) this summer. I even had a job lined up and everything. Then, things fell apart. My place to stay suddenly couldn't house me for family reasons. Soon after that the job told me they wouldn't be able to hire me anyway because of funding. My guess is that God didn't want me there for a reason. Actually, I think I knew the reason but I choose to ignore it. Later in the summer that reason comes back to hit me in the face. Well, not literally, but I finally come to terms with it.
Basically, I was stuck at home most of the summer. This was good and bad.
Good: I got to spend time with friends and family.
Bad: I was bored for a lot of the time and...may have made some not so good choices.
The choices I'm referring to may or may not involve a guy. Don't worry, it's not terrible. I still have my V card and I didn't get close to losing it. I just had a "what if" situation with a guy friend. Enough about that.
Um...let's see. Oh yeah.
My summer didn't get fun until the end of July.
Two words. Darren Criss. (I love this perf. Especially the phone incident.)
Yup, I saw him in concert. But yet again, it feels like a dream.( Like when I saw Miyavi.) I still can't actually believe I saw him in person. He is an incredible person. I'm kind of upset that I wasn't his fan before I found him on Glee.  Gah! I just can't find the words to describe him right now. He is so much more than Blaine on Glee though. If you really want to love him, go watch Starkid stuff. Like A Very Potter Musical.
Anyway, i digress... My bestie and another friend went to Six Flags Fiesta Texas to see him. It was ok, I guess. Six flags, not the concert. The concert was amazing.
After that, went to a family reunion.
Then i was supposed to go to Six Flags FT again to drop off a cousin with his sister, but we ended up staying. I didn't have much fun cause i was just there.
The next day, my friend that would bring me to Oklahoma took me and our friend from OK to Schlitterbaun. It was my first time and I had SO MUCH FUN! Although, I lost my good pair of flip-flops. sad face.
On to Oklahoma!
It was a blast. I stayed with a family that I've fallen in love with. They are basically my second family. I went to a church camp with them while up there, Indian Falls Creek.

 That camp is really really great. I'm kinda lacking in description abilities atm, but it is just so amazing. I really love my Oklahoma fam. Although, while there the thing i had to come to terms with happened. I was rejected. Well, not straight-up no, but he said he only has friend feelings for me. Maybe that's what God was keeping me from. He didn't want me to go up there for the wrong reason and get hurt. Now that I finally know for sure how he feels, I can move on. It is a little hard, but slowly I am letting go of my feelings. I started getting myself in way too deep. I may already be. I fell in love not only with him, but his family. I went to his Dad's birthday party when I got there. I even finally met his Mom and like her a lot. But, I guess it's not meant to be. I'm still going to keep in touch and be his friend. I'm just not going to wait on him anymore. I'm moving on...
Not that there's anyone to move on to. I don't know if I even want to keep my crushes anymore. Once again, I am back to where I started. Lonely and without hope.
Right, enough of my pity party. (I guess I don't care anymore if someone reads this. Like anyone will though.)
So I'm back in college now. I like my classes so far. Apartment life is pretty cool. Except for the fact that I'm not on campus so it's inconvenient. No car para mi.
Yeah so i think that's all I'm gonna write now. I'm tired...of this. lol jk.
NIGHT!~ OYASUMI~