Not again...

  Seems like the only time I feel like blogging is when I'm super upset about something. So here I am again... I kept thinking last year that the reason I don't hang out with people or aren't invited much or have a close friend group is because of the car situation. But no. Not the problem. Its still happening and it happens with people who don't have cars either. Even if I did have a car, I wouldn't be hanging out much more because I DON'T GET INVITED! Seriously. I'm forgotten. A lot. I don't know whats wrong with me. People seem to like me and possibly want me around when I'm right there with them. But when I'm not there talking to them they forget about me. No one asks me to hangout/ perform a dance/ go to a birthday party/ go shopping/ go out to eat/ with them. Well they ask me sometimes, but either I can't go at that time or they completely forget me. I guess I have too many just friends...and not close friends. My best friends back home that would talk to me all the time and ask me to go over or do things say that I have so many friends and I'm so busy. But that's all I have...just friends. I think my problem is that I jump around to so many groups and make so many friends that I don't stay long enough for them to miss me when I'm not around. 

 Now I feel selfish.
 But really. I mean I HATE inviting myself places. And even when I make plans or try to set up something, it never works out. Like last Friday, I've been trying to get people to come have a picnic and hang out at the river and some people were like yeah let's do it! Friday came. I ate in Sewell park by myself. I don't just don't know what to do. I want to be everywhere, but no one seems to want me anywhere. Another situation. After Korean club on Friday, I was with some people and they were going to go hang out and watch something. I kinda invited myself and went with them and while there I wasn't really left out and was included on conversations (granted they did have some inside jokes and stuff that i wasn't there to get). So while there, they were talking about another friend's birthday that was the next day and were talking about a party for her. I was ok, I wanna go just lemme know, since I don't work tomorrow. Saturday came no one told me anything. Also, another friend group had invited me to go eat in Austin and I said I was gonna go. No one checked if I was still going or told me when they were leaving. They went without me. Then today, I find out that someone that doesn't even hang out with the Korean club people much was at the BIRTHDAY PARTY that no one really asked me to go to. HOW the heck did he know about it and get invited and I didn't?! 

 There's also a thing that happened with dancing. 
First of all, when starting the Kpop dancing, no one asked me to be in "The Boys" group or even in any other dances. I ended up finding people that didn't have a group and made a group myself and we picked a song. And then we were gonna get with some other people and do a second dance, but we didn't get to do that one because they said they have enough performances planned. I was obviously sad and made it known to everyone that I was only doing one dance and wanted to do more. Then a group ends up changing one of their songs to that same song that we were planning on doing and they needed one more person. THEY ASK SOMEONE THAT ISN'T EVEN IN KOREAN CLUB AND DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT BAND OR SONG!!! WTH?! I knew the song by heart, each member's name, and a bit of dance already. That doesn't make any sense to me. Also, JLC ended up cancelling Soran Bushi performance and I was super sad. I made it known to a lot of people that I was really sad that it wasn't happening. Then a bit ago, I go up to wait for Para Para practice and there's all these people practicing Soran Bushi. Im like: WHAT?! I notice it's all Japanese students and I'm like: OK that's cool Japanese students doing Japanese dance, but then theres a few people that aren't Japanese. What?... Why didn't any one tell me? I REALLY wanted to do Soran Bushi and I already knew the dance. I asked a Japanese student about it and she said it was supposed to be just Japanese students doing it last minute for a surprise maybe. But I guess they needed more people for the formation they wanted to do and they didn't have enough Japanese students. I just felt left out cause no one asked me to help. So i was a bit frustrated for a bit because I wanted to do it too, but I got over it because they all looked really good and legit. 
 Then also with the International Students, I try to get close to them, but I feel like I still can't get close enough because of the language barrier. Granted they speak English, and I speak/understand a lot of Japanese and Korean its just not enough. When they are together they speak their own language and I feel left out. I REALLY REALLY want to understand. I'm not sure just how much they understand that I want to know they language so I can erase that barrier and be included. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND! It just makes me feel discouraged because I want to know these language, but I'm not learning fast enough and I get distracted and stop studying. I wish so much to be fluent in at least another language. AGH! But there are still Americans that hang out with International students regularly. WHY CANT THAT BE ME?! ksjdfvlkajsfglakjs So yeah. I feel like I'm not being wanted again. And it really makes me feel lonelier then I really should be. 
 WHERE IS MY PLACE?!
_Laila_ ;_;

What if?

Valentine's Day. Yet again. Of course it is, it comes every year. And every year I get the same feeling. You know this feeling quite well if you are in the same boat as I am.
 Single.
Yup, being single on Valentine's day. Most (single) people I come across, actually even people in a relationship too, have this undying hate for this certain day of the year. It may be all the cliche and cheesy cards and gifts. Or it could even be the pressure that guys feel to be spontaneous and romantic.
But for me, I can't bring myself to hate it.
It isn't because of all the immense amount of red that appears, even though I dearly love red.
I'm actually not quite sure what it is. True, I am a hopeless romantic girl that longs for a lover, but that should be the reason I'm sad on Valentine's day. And...its not. I am a person that views love in an old-fashioned, Biblical way and having a day that celebrates that, I think should be more appreciated. Now, the Valentines of today has become so commercialized, like Christmas, that most people try to get through it and get on with their busy lives. Honestly, it shouldn't matter at all what someone gets someone else. The fact that they even thought about that person and put an effort into giving them something, to me, shows that they at least care about that person.
On the other hand...
This year I was hoping to view Valentines day the way that Asian cultures do.
In Japan, and I'm thinking Korea too, Valentines day isn't a day for couples. It is a day of confession. On this day is when girls confess their affection for a guy that they have come to be attracted to. Many girls make the gifts so personal and filled with love. They often spend all night making the chocolate or treats themselves. This may be just over-exaggerated in dramas and movies, but I have talked to people personally and it seems to be true. So anyway, I was wanting to do this for a guy that I like, but the thing is...I'm too chicken.
I keep thinking about it and then talking myself out of it. I'm think 
He doesn't like me like that...if he did, he would've made it known or at least I would figure out that he did,right?
 I'll just embarrass myself and put pressure on him. 
I don't ever get to hang out with him, I wouldn't be able to give it to him. 
I am pretty sure I'm not his type. 
IM NOT EVEN ASIAN.
I bet he likes her, she did come back and they hang out all the time.
These are a few of the things that keep my from going through with it.
But What if?
What if I did do it and he just so happens to have a little of the same feelings for me?
What if he doesn't care if I'm not Asian?
What if he doesn't care about how I look or my body type?
I just came back from watching Letters to Juliet for the first time with the ASL club. Cliche, cute, chick-flick perfect for Valentines. But in the movie she say that, What if. This what if statement brought two people back together after 50 years. I know it is just a movie, but I think this a lot.
I know God has a guy for me, but when and how will I know that it's him.
I may not be super crushing like normal on this guy, but I still want to show him how I feel.
I just can't bring myself to do it in person though. I am a coward and will forever be stuck with What If, in all the "almost" relationships I would've had.
Sincerely, forever alone Laila~
신원숙 오빠 난 당신을 좋아해요 I wish I could tell you this. I wish I could sort out why and give you a reason why i like you...but I can't. I wish we could spend more time together so that maybe, just maybe you'd fall for me too.I just hope that I can see you happy all the time and be a good friend to you.

I'm Over IT

There's a lot of things that I'm over now.

One: being sad about Jpop and quite possibly listening to Jpop in general. Basically all my favorite bands are breaking up, well not so much breaking up as having members leave. I just can't keep up with them anymore. Every time I try to go listen to a new song or rather watch a mv, it either doesn't work or makes me disappointed or sad. I just decided to focus on Kpop, which is immensely easy. I won't give up on Jpop totally, just...UGH I DONT EVEN KNOW! Next topic...

Two: I'm over my crushes (pshh yeah right). Well, one of them for sure since he is graduating. I've given up on him for a while now because I was never able to hang around him this semester. Ever since Ultimate Frisbee was cancelled I was able to let go of my feelings for him. Maybe not totally, but enough to where he wouldn't be on my mind all the time. And yeah, I'm giving a lot away right now, but I don't even care. He or possibly anyone associated with him won't even read this when I post it and the people that do read this might not even know him or will be able to figure out who it is. Plus, even if he were to read this, nothing would happen. Our interaction has been reduced to an awkward "Hi" whenever I do get a chance to see him, or rather we see each other. I would often see him around campus but he wouldn't see me. That may sound creepy, but that sort of thing happens when you have a crush. They just randomly appear wherever you are when you least expect it. And usually, you are too much of a coward to say anything. Not only that, but I felt I never really fit in with that group of people anyway. I love them dearly, don't get me wrong, but there were times where I felt like I wasn't wanted. I could never really say much without sounding dumb, because everything they all said was super witty and they just feed off each other's wittiness and friendship connection. It was really fun to feel excepted at first among this group of talented and funny people, but then the feeling slowly disappeared. I started struggling to be able to hang out with them. Being the youngest and least funny/witty you feel disconnected. Also, it didn't help that I don't have a car. I couldn't just show up and hang out like they all could with each other. I had to be a leech and ask them to get me or whatever. So I stopped when Ultimate stopped. I'm truly sad that most of you are graduating and I cherish every memory that I made with you, but now I guess it is time I focus on a different group and try to fit in somewhere else. I'm glad I got to be around you guys last Friday, even if it was only a tiny amount of time and was unfortunately cut short for me out of my control. Love you guys, but sadly, its over.
   
-I had planned for this post to be more quality, but my best ideas come to me when I'm trying to fall asleep and don't write them down. Then i forget. Sorry bout it.-
~MMK

Something is needed.

...and that something could be a car .
Having my own car would make things a lot easier for not just me, but everyone. Well everyone connected to me. I'd be able to be a better friend because I could just drop in or go over and hang out at someone's place and come and go as I please. Right, now I never go to anyone's hardly, because I don't want to ask someone for a ride. Or when I do finally get up the courage to ask someone, they can't. But I mean I guess it's not my fault. I mean, I know its not my fault. If they wanted to hang out with me they'd ask me over, or ask to come get me. Everyone should know by now that I don't have a car and don't live on campus. I guess that just tells me something right there... Yeah I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing and being pessimistic.
But I can't help it.
I really wanted to go to the Coffee Pot tonight to watch friends play a show, but look at me...I'm not there. I even changed and straightened my hair, but i had no one to bring me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I get so jealous of people I'm around because they've found a close friend to always be with or awesome roommates that they're super close with and do things together with.
I just miss my best friend and our relationship.
Especially once she got a car. She would just come over and "kidnap" me and bring me to her house, or we'd go do something together. I'm not saying I liked her for her car, that's not it. I'm just saying that because that's what i'm upset about right now.
Friends here that I don't have classes with or live close to anymore I hardly ever see except, maybe once a week at Refuge (which I didn't make it to this week =[ ) I feel bad asking rides from those people (which are the only people I'm close to that have cars and I feel comfortable with), because I do hardly ever see them and I don't want to be using them. I was already accused of this anyway, which i still feel terrible for.
There's this one friend that I'm not even close to who happens to live in the same apt complex. She volunteered to come pick me up from work at midnight and bring me home every Tuesday. I can't thank her enough. I gave her gas money and when she refused I didn't get out of the car without her taking it. It's the very least I can do.
Gah i wish i lived on campus. And I wish I didn't ever apply for this dang job at Jones thats super inconvenient for me.
Sorry, that I don't ever blog about happy things. I just, don't think about Blogging until im depressed and crying. It helps me say the things I can't out loud and complain about things that I can't control.
Now to wallow in my sorrow and comfort (or depress even more) myself with more drama...Asian dramas.
Until next time...

Laila~

Hi

Oh life.

It looks like I've been doing some serious bloggin lately to vent. Well more than usual. My faith is just really being tested lately. I'm just being emotional again. I used to be so emotional growing up, but I thought I had gotten a lot stronger. Now, it seems I'm back to being emotional and crying in bed at night.
This weekend a lot of things have been stressing me out.
My great-uncle Odell died on friday. At the time, i didn't know this. My dad told me something about him not pulling through his dialysis, but I took it as he was in a coma or something idk... I was half asleep. So it just now hit me.

He's the one in the hat. These are pictures I took at our family reunion this year in July. The two middle pictures are the siblings. My grandpa is the one in the blue. Then my dad is the guy sitting next to him in the first picture.
As soon as I got to the camp for the BSM Fall Retreat my mom called and told me that my dad had been diagnosed with low blood platelets and an enlarged spleen which makes him have sclerosis  of the liver. Supposedly it's not life threatening yet, but still...im gonna worry and think the worse. And then our BSM director had to talk about his when hid dad died and such. It took a lot to keep from crying. When I was on the way home, i texted my dad and said something about his diagnosis and he replied with "But I got JESUS, so don't worry about me." I didn't let it get to me then because I was in a car, but it is so getting to me now. I am glad to know he'll go to Heaven, but still...JEEZ now im sobbing. He cant go anywhere yet... Ok i have to stop thinking about this.
I have a history exam tomorrow and I haven't studied nor have i finished the essay for it. I am such a wreak right now...I need to calm down. Oh yeah...and Japanese homework and two Japanese quizzes tomorrow.
Lord please help me...give me strength to do what i need to do and not let my mind wander.

On another note...it's times like these that I wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who can hold me when I cry and tell me it'll be ok. Someone that I can depend on to comfort me and try to cheer me up. I've been so desperate and lonely lately. I mean I guess I'm always like this, but seeing all these people I know or even grew up with getting married and having babies. When will it be my turn?
I also have been feeling homesick. I just really want someone to hold me...
Im gonna have a headache from all this crying...
I guess it also doesn't help that I just started my time of the month today.




 

Crying

I am crying right now and can't stop. I guess all my emotions have been building up and now they are all coming out at once. It happens to me often.

1.  I just did an 8 hr shift (12-8pm) on my first day at my first part-time job ever. -cry-
2.  I called a friend to hang out after work so I could rest a little and since I was already by their dorm and it's Saturday night, but friends/roommates were tired, sick, going to sleep, or busy, so its a no...and something was said. -cry-
3.  Texted two guys to see if I could hang out at their apt since I was walking that way and wanted to hang out with someone still. Plus I hardly hang out with them without tons of other people. No reply. -cry-
4. Walked all the way across campus and up a hill from work to my apt AFTER i had been on my feet for 8 hours. -cry-
5. I.Have.NO.Car! -cry-
6. Do I have any close friends here? Is there anyone that wants me around no matter what? Has anyone personally invited me to just hang out or talk one-on-one? -cry-
7.  I'm pretty sure I annoy people because I ask for rides so much. -cry-
8.  My best friend/s are back home! -cry-
9.  I have no boyfriend, nor anyone that wants to be my boyfriend. I want a personal relationship with someone, I want to know that I can rely on them and they'll always be there for me. I need to feel loved. I WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME!  (besides Jesus) -cry-
10. I am on my own. For real. I've been hurt a couple of times recently. I want my mommy to hug  me and help me. Finally Homesick? -cry-
11. Mom calls. -sob-
12. Mom wanted me to talk to her while a walked all the way back so i wouldn't be alone in the dark and didn't want any thing to happen to me. worried. -sob-
13. Mom sorry that have no car and wish she could do something. -sob-
14. I need things from store: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair moose, some groceries. -cry-
15. I still need things for work: black pants and black no slip shoes! -cry-
16. Best friend wants to talk. Cant cause tired and i'll sob again. -cry-
17. Oh the pants that i just wore to work, my only black-ish ones, broke. -cry-
18. Skin problems acting up. -cry-
19. Cant go to church tomorrow. -cry-
20. Work and most of this repeat tomorrow. -cry-

Now you know what's mostly on my mind. Reason to cry...i think so. I still having trouble stopping. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. ;_;
I'm out~  Meliah.